Infektia.net

I can’t sleep, my head spins and I feel really sick. Life has been too much lately. First, it’s my job. My scores, that I need to get bonus, has been dropping, and I have also have had trouble to work with our new concept which means that I have been talking to the boss about it. I know I have too high standards on myself, but I still feel like a failure when thing’s aren’t going my way, or that I’m not as good (one of the best, in the top) anymore.

I got my work concept-work approved just yesterday, after a month of hard work and training. If I didn’t pass that, I wold probably been in deep shit. But I did pass, I’m relieved, but I still have to work more with it.
I have also been sick far too many days the past month to be good. Like 6 days total and a week before that, but it’s a lot in my eyes and probably in my employers too.

The funny smell in my apartment that refuses to go away no matter what I do. It’s smells like old garbage. And it makes me feel sick, I get that vomiting feeling every time I can feel the scent. It only stays away if I have my balcony door open all times. But since it’s pouring rain outside, I can’t have it open right now. I love my apartment, but now I wonder if I can manage to stay because of the smell. My nose can scent it miles away.

Then I got myself a boyfriend, this isn’t a bad thing, but it really has taken a lot of energy from me. Showing from my best side, hide all the bad ones, does he like me or does he not, don’t drag him down with me when I have to fall, don’t show him my old psychological scars, afraid that he would get scared and run away. It’s me creating too much fuzz about it, but I just can’t help it. It’s still there after all those years. But I have to admit that it is actually going over my expectations. Some things has disappeared.

My grandmother died. I did indeed say goodbye to her, but I haven’t had the time to mourn. I thought I could hold myself together in church, but I couldn’t. I sat closest to the coffin on the front row and when the organ began to play that (extremely) beautiful and sad song I cracked. I felt stupid and that I was doing something wrong, that I wasn’t strong.

At the time I felt the strong urge to scream, but it teared up a big whole inside me instead. Tears slowly fell down my cheeks through the whole ceremony. It wasn’t until one of the coffin carriers waved to me to get me to start walking out behind them that I took myself together. We threw our roses on the coffin in the big whole and then it all was over.

I felt ashamed that I had cried. It’s wrong, it’s just natural, but I did. I haven’t cried or hardly been letting myself think about it since. I haven’t had the time.

Everything has been filling me up and I feel that I’m about to burst. I think I need too. I’m working extra tomorrow, but I’m off on Sunday so I’ll schedule my burst to Sunday morning 9 PM.